Crappy Movie Review: Killer Klowns from Outer Space

Right off the bat I have a confession.  I love really terrible movies with a passion almost unparalleled by all but my love of weird food.  Naturally a movie about blood drinking monster space clowns (klowns?  I guess the spelling might matter in a universe specific sense) was a first choice.  I adore Killer Klowns from Outer Space in a very special way.  The titular Killer Klowns are a race of extraterrestrials who at first glance just so happen to resemble the Whiteface clown we are all familiar with.  As with all terrible low budget B-movies disbelief needs to be suspended.

The plot synopsis is actually pretty simple.  Predatory aliens land in a small town, harvest the locals, and are dispatched by a motley crew of teenagers and a cop.  The clowns wreak as much havoc as you would expect with a few ridiculous clown powers they use to capture/kill people.  As far as sci-fi horror movies go, this one doesn't stand out for its top notch characters, expert level acting, and complex plot.

What shines, you may ask?  It's by the Chiodo Brothers (Elf, Critters, and Team America are all under their belt), and they are unmatched in puppetry.  The clowns themselves are upsetting to look at.  They are a monster version of a clown with makeup more befitting skin patterns than grease paint.

"I've also got a pretty serious drinking problem..."

See that picture up there?  Sexy, right?  For such a low budget movie, though, the clowns are pretty damn good.  An interesting tidbit: a couple of the clown heads were re-purposed in Earnest Scared Stupid.  As an adult the clowns still bother me a little bit.  They look so menacing, so much like a person but just not.  They hit that special part of the uncanny valley where they look like corpses and monsters at the same time.

The characters are pretty special, too.  They are all one dimensional archetypes.  You've got a jaded elder police officer and his younger, roguish superior officer, a helpless '80s blonde, a typical every-man roped into it all, and a couple of high school dropouts cum ice cream truck drivers.  They're all acted just shy of passably but that adds to their charm.  The clowns all have their own special personalities too.  My favorite has to be the ugly bastard above.  He's the midget.  They are all acted surprisingly well.

They've also got British teeth.

There is a menace to these guys as the movie progresses too.  What we see first is a space ship they may have just had to land out of emergency.  The clowns stumble out of their ship and into the town.  They nab an old man and his dog and terrorize the main characters on their way out, but they don't yet really convey any signs of genuine malice.  As the film progresses we see a clown luring a child out of a diner.  He is the first sign that these clowns know what they are doing.  He doesn't just try and sneak up on her, but goes to the length of playing pee a boo with her through a window.

The main character eventually theorizes that these clowns come to earth every so often and harvest us as food.  In the KKfOS universe it is apparently important to note that our modern clowns were originally based on these space horrors.  At least enough so to make the leading male say exactly that.

The movie itself is a gem.  I can't give it praise based on genuine cinematic worth, but it doesn't need that.  This is a movie that was made to be just terrible.  It's funny, the characters are amusing, the clowns are terrifying and the plot is easy to follow.  If you like cheesy movies or just need something to feel up your date to you've got a perfect one right here.  The bonus is the few parts of this film, components if you will, that are genuinely upsetting.

Like this thing.

Gruit: Or, the problem with bitters

NGIEWSASDASDAGHK:LJELSAKRJER.
So. Corey hates bitter. I’m trying to find him a beer that he’ll enjoy so we can find a beer to make and the only things that I can find are mild ale, Gruit (flavored with not-hops) or developing some bastard brew technique that doesn’t leave the hops in long enough to make the brew bitter, but does leave the hops in long enough to sanitize.
Ugh, okay, let me explain.
As opposed to making wine or mead, beer classically has way less alcohol content. While wine classically has enough alcohol in it to “keep” indefinitely (the alcohol acts as a preservative) beer normally does not. When you smell stale, sour beer, it’s because the sugars that are leftover from the fermenting process (and what has all those delicious, empty calories) can spoil as the alcohol content isn’t high enough to keep the drink from going bad.
Enter hops. The essential oils and whatnot in the humble little hop-flower and its associated parts not only act as a flavoring agent (yum) but also as a botanical preservative. Add in the fact that the other job that this plant performs is to add a little bitter to counterbalance the sweet of the malted barley (or whatever grain) and you get a beverage which is complex and delicious on the palate.
So, let’s say you dislike hops, or (bless your poor soul) are allergic. What do you do? Well, there’s Gruit, which is beer made with the same principle as regular beer but instead of using hops, they use other botanical ingredients. There’s apparently some historical controversy involving the church but basically the facts are this: Once upon a time we got all our preservative for beer from botanicals other than hops. Sometime during the castle-and-peasant-burn-the-witch time period (Look, we’re not discussing the dark ages or the middle ages and what is what, we’re just not, okay? Let it go. It’s not going to happen.) somewhere in Germany (apparently, plz not to crucify, Mister Internet, thx) a movement came about and tadaa, we started using hops.
Lots of people these days prefer to make their homebrews with Gruit, which is all well and good! I’m totally down with that, but the problem is this: It’s not the hoppy flavor of flowers and grass and aromatics and citrus that Corey doesn’t like. It’s the bitter.
Fuck. Me.
Okay. Okay. We can do this. We can look at the math and sit down and figure out how long and in what stage to add what botanical, be it hops or fucking heather or whatever to make the beer just a little bitter. Just a little. Just enough to be clean, just enough to be sweet and light and balanced.
I am so swamped with halfassed information that I can’t begin to tell you guys where we’re going to start. So, for now, as is the truth with all beer brewing, we must start with beer drinking.
We need to get some good milk stouts and I dunno, a mild ale, or just say “fuck it” and do us up something he can’t possibly bitch about and devote some serious time to making a lambic. HAHA. IT WOULD BE EASIER TO MAKE FRUIT WINE BUT NO. NO.
Corey has the palate of a seven year old. And hey, he’s a lot of people. Lots of folks can’t take the bitter and honestly it’s something you have to let grow on you. An acquired taste.
But for the love of God, if he can come to terms with the nasty ass cheese he’s always buying (Look, cheese shouldn’t be runny and smell like something died in something else’s butt, okay?) and trying to foist on me he can come to term with something complicatedly simple and bitterly delicious.
Or, you, my dear readers, are going to be treated to a lot, lot, lot more swearing as time goes on.
Anyway, cats and kittens. Until then I shall get back to trudging through the muck and trying to find a resolution to this conundrum.

Finally.

I mean, it’s been a while, right?

It’s been a long while since I’ve really sat down and posted and I really wanted to let you guys know what’s been going on. House Blarg/House Quiet Chaos has split up some, and right now it’s just myself, Corey and Geoff living the life in a tiny little apartment a stone’s throw from my office. The bad news is the walls are thin and I hate apartment living. The good news? Why, I’m Dana’s neighbor!

(Linkity)

Swing by and say hi to Dana. She loves new posters. In case you guys don’t know, Dana’s this lovely writer and fantastic blogger (and drinker of that vile substance, tah-kill-ya) whom I happen to have the dear honor and joy of living near and working with. Her blog is chock full of geological fangirldom ramblings, excellent music choices, and atheist, free-thinking kickassery. She’s a partner in crime and an all-around good time. Maybe someday we’ll get her over to do one of the podcasts—which reminds me….

The podcasts are coming back. I promise. They’ll be a little less shout-y, and maybe a little more write-y, on account of being in an apartment complex but with one as huge as the one we just moved into, you never know who you’re going to bump into at the mailbox.

It’s been a long, hard, unpleasant year in some respects, but an adventure in others. I have to remind myself that my life is filled with beautiful wonderful people, and that where I live is paradise. Is it an even trade off for some temporary discomfort? I have photographic evidence.

And here it is.

But for those of you who don’t believe in following links, here’s a sample:

 

Just a little taste. Too many beautiful things to show in one simple post. I just wanted to say thank you all. It’s been a beautiful, educational year. Painful, terrifying, upsetting, but in the end, I am stronger for it.

All my love,

 

-stars.

The Flicker Stream

Uh. So.

Hey, guys.

Did I mention we're still moving and I still have a metric TON of photos to organize, but these are my favorites so far.

((CLICKY-CLICKY!!))

I'm not yet a superawesome photographer or anything, but these are the ones I think have turned out the best.

Anyway, kids, I'll have something worthwhile soon. In the meantime, behave yourselves.

-C

House Blarg Moves

Hey, cats and kittens, just a quick heads-up, House Blarg has come apart and been reformed--smaller, leaner and meaner. Corey and I (and the Geoff) are going to be back soon with more amusement, tauntings, and the like.

Stay tuned!

You Probably Annoy Me, Too.

 
I want to talk to you all for a little bit about something that has been bothering me.  An election year is around the corner, and that means its time for the three ring circus to begin.

Most of my dear readers, most of you are too detached from the whole political process to give two expressions of fecal matter, but allow me to rant for a little while—because I do care.

I’ve gone on and on about this on Facebook, and I’m going to rant right now about it loud and clear.

Politics are not something that you can just disregard as Someone Else’s Problem. They are your problem. If you ever hope to hold land, if you pay taxes, if you have an above-room-temperature IQ, it is in your best interest to be aware of the politics and to get motivated.
I blame part of your disengagement on the media. I blame part of your disengagement on the hyperbolic rhetoric that gets spouted out of both ends of each party like a never-ending stream of vomit and feces. It, like diarrhea and nausea are not a disease in and of themselves; they’re a symptom of some bigger problem.
Gastroenteritis of the mind and of the sociopolitical self, it is a symptom of our increasing dysfunction as a nation.

We are coming apart and it’s not because of the politicians and the media—they’re just the clowns in the circus.

It’s become the fad not to care, to act like we’re so far above it all.
Guess what, kids? It’s your health insurance they’re talking about. It’s your retirement they’re talking about. It’s your future they’re talking about. It’s your science, your planet. It isn’t someone else’s problem, it’s ours.

Look at the politicians who are making your choices for you right now. They’re old men and women who are too slow behind the tech curve to keep up with Twitter, for God’s sake. These are the people that you and you alone are allowing to rule this nation in your stead. These men and women neither understand nor care about you. They don’t understand your views, your needs, your wants. They don’t like your art and they hate your music. They don’t understand the Internet. They wouldn’t know an IP address if it walked up to them and pinched them on the testicle.

These are the people who have spent the last four years fighting to keep your eye off the ball, to keep us so entertained (or repulsed) by the circus of the media that we’re missing the parts where they’re smashing scientific advancements against the rocks like the heads of small children. There’s a Biblical reference for you.

It is our responsibility to fix this situation. It’s our time to demand wiser politicians, to speak up, to refuse to be party to their games of distract and distrust.

It’s time that we inherit the earth.

In each of us is the power to begin anew, to refuse to watch the mess become a bacchanalia of political comedy and to most of all stay engaged in the conversation.  It is unbelievably important to stay involved in the conversation. Nothing is more important.

By not watching the news, you don’t make it go away, you just make yourself stupid.

The Dalai Lama  says that whether one believes in a religion or not and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn’t anyone who doesn’t appreciate kindness and compassion.

The Bible says that the meek will inherit the earth—and we have had enough of being meek.

When you hear someone start to talk about rhetoric or hyperbolically about whatever their political opponent has begun to blabber about—raise your hand and say as politely as you can “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this. What they’ve said has come and gone. What do you have to say about this particular piece?”

Get involved. Get engaged.
Stay involved. Stay engaged.

This is your problem, it’s your responsibility now to deal with it.

In My Backyard: Letters D and E.

Here comes letters D and E, kids, recorded on 7/25, a special double header for Dan's birthday!

We discuss Amy Winehouse, Dan's birthday, and more matters of the heart.

Click here, cats and kittens, to be geeked for Letter D.

Click here instead for letter E.