Thursday, November 1, 2012

Crappy Movie Review: Black Dynamite

Here we are again.  It's been a while, but I'd like to think the wait makes these posts all the better.  I wanted to write one of these a week, but it is amazingly hard to find a good B movie when you've become so jaded to their... uniqueness.  I thought so, at least.  Last week I watched a movie that joins the blood sucking clown monsters on my list of favorite crappy flicks.  The movie in question is Black Dynamite.

BD is not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination.  The characters are flat, the acting is terrible, the shots are all poorly done, and the overall quality is so low it has to have had a budget of roughly $45 and a can of 4loko.  This is intentional, by the by.  BD takes all the hallmarks of a good Blaxploitation film and mocks the shit out of them.  Michael Jai White is so good as Black Dynamite (yeah, that's the lead character's name.  Stop acting so surprised) one might make the mistake of assuming he is legitimately a bad actor.

Only jive turkeys underestimate Black Dynamite!
So, plot synopsis?  Black Dynamite's brother gets killed by the mob and Black Dynamite leaves a river of blood finding his killer.  Oh, and there is malt liquor in there too.  Seriously, that's... that's basically it.  It's not deep, but again that isn't the point.  We're looking at a parody here, done by the man who played Spawn.  It is ridiculousness if the very essence of ridiculousness could be distilled down and injected into a b-list action hero like steroids into the ass of an aging Sylvester Stallone.  What comes out is greater than the sum of its parts.

Also afros wide as a midday sun.

The entire movie is action sequences, diner scenes, and weirdly fitting stock images from 40 years worth of blaxploitation.  Oh, there is also that whole malt liquor shrinks your dick so the man can keep you down angle.  For the record, I'm white, I work for a major corporation, and I am male.  So... that makes me the man... and I love big black cock... so I am not entirely certain where this weird ass rule-them-with-tiny-penises angle comes from.

Ok, now I'm rambling.  So, let's wrap this up; just go rent/pirate Black Dynamite.  Just go do it.  I can't give a synopsis that does this masterpiece justice.  I mean, I could... but not without a boat load of work and the creation of some weird ass new words.