Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Rambling... ramblings

So, it's around 3:20 in the morning and I been thinking; why is it so hard to maintain a blog? I mean, when you think about it, it's not difficult. Not really, at least. Still both starspider and I seem to have perpetual trouble remembering two, you know, update it.

This is something that's been kind of bothering me recently, so I figured I should do something about it. What I decided to do about it is learned to dictate. Dictation isn't exactly hard; I think this way I'll probably update a lot more. So this will be the first post, and maybe the last, where I am just going to speak it and let the stream of consciousness so forth.

So everybody is clear, this post is going to be a shitty movie review. The shitty movie in question is Ted. We all know how this goes; I blatantly spoil the plot for you and you guys, my devout puppet audience, sit there and take it. You take it and you like it. This review will be no different.

So, what is the plot to Ted? The plot itself is actually pretty simple and, well, shallow; the titular character, Ted, is an animate teddy bear brought to life by the power of wishes. Yeah, you read that right; wishes. The film itself stars Matt Damon as a barely functioning man baby, sort of like Will Ferrell only somehow more crass. Mila Kunis stars as his girlfriend who is, like, at least nine leagues above him, and clearly quite interested in marrying down. Oh, and the animate magical teddy bear? Yeah, that horror right there, he's Peter Griffin. It's cool too; Seth McFarland totally acknowledges that he's not that original.

I have to admit something here people, I was actually expecting this really be maybe a little funnier. Don't get me wrong, this movie was funny! Or I expecting just a funny movie that would've been fine, but I wasn't. I was expecting "the funniest movie of all time". Now I know what you're thinking, "dude, it's just review on the box seriously. Don't take this shit so seriously." Well, you know what, fuck you in the mouth.

That's really pretty minor gripe though. Truth be told I don't really have many genuine gripes This movie – I mean, yeah, it had some pretty stereotypical RomCom goals towards the end, but so did The Hangover. This is Hollywood we're talking about; everything here is formulaic and ultimately just the same old rehashed crap. We don't release to see something new, that would be frankly retarded, we see movies because fuck it we want to be entertained.

Here's the real secret to watching a movie like Ted. Are you ready for this? Yeah, you're ready for this. You have to you stoned out of your fucking mind to really get this movie. The best part is, in my humble opinion, the fact that it's not that hard to keep up with Ted the animated teddy bear. Oh, did I mention that? Yeah, so that magic wish fueled teddy bear that should not be also has a crippling drug problem. Apparently Ted, in his youth, was quite the celebrity; now that Ted's matured into a repugnant self-centered Antichrist, he's gone the route of so many child stars before him. This is around that eventually leads to hard drugs, but that's okay, because that itself as a gateway to an illustrious job selling cars. Okay, that is entirely true; Ted starts work at grocery store but the moral is ultimately the same.

What's weird though is that the movie itself tries to sneak a bull ship message in there with funny. It is a terrible job of this mind you, but it's there. I think that's what the entirety of my review really is. I don't want to spoil this movie for you, and more importantly I won't spoil it for myself. Ted is sort of like Harold and Kumar; you'll watch the movie time and time again but at the end of every screening your not quite sure if you actually watched it. Maybe that's because you're drunk, maybe it's because you're stoned, maybe it's because the movie is a steaming, heaping pile of fly struck horse shit. I can't with any real certainty say. What I can say is this; I did actually enjoy this movie. There you go that's my review.

Fuck this, I tried. Maybe it's because I have to talk so slow, I don't know, but this software that I'm using a makes it seem like kind of a burdensome process. It's not to when I really think about it. I've actually been able to talk at my normal pace and for the most part the system has never keep up with me. What's weird though is trying to compose out loud. That when I'm not such a huge fan of, but I think I'll get used to it.

So yeah. I think this will be new to the blog. I'll be doing all my post by voice from this point forward. Dictation is just way way way way way way easier, and you know if I wasn't so inebriated last time I actually watched a movie this might have been a good review. As it stands I don't think it's bad, but I guess it could be way way better.

I also feel the need to know that it is 4:09 AM, and I should probably be getting to bed. Unfortunately, Star Wars the Old Republic is still down for maintenance. This means that I can either sleep or stay away for the next three hours until it actually comes back up. I think I'd rather sleep. Yeah, sleep. That sounds totally hot.