So, it's around 3:20 in the morning and
I been thinking; why is it so hard to maintain a blog? I mean, when
you think about it, it's not difficult. Not really, at least. Still
both starspider and I seem to have perpetual trouble remembering two,
you know, update it.
This is something that's been kind of
bothering me recently, so I figured I should do something about it.
What I decided to do about it is learned to dictate. Dictation isn't
exactly hard; I think this way I'll probably update a lot more. So
this will be the first post, and maybe the last, where I am just
going to speak it and let the stream of consciousness so forth.
So everybody is clear, this post is
going to be a shitty movie review. The shitty movie in question is
Ted. We all know how this goes; I blatantly spoil the plot for you
and you guys, my devout puppet audience, sit there and take it. You
take it and you like it. This review will be no different.
So, what is the plot to Ted? The plot
itself is actually pretty simple and, well, shallow; the titular
character, Ted, is an animate teddy bear brought to life by the power
of wishes. Yeah, you read that right; wishes. The film itself stars
Matt Damon as a barely functioning man baby, sort of like Will
Ferrell only somehow more crass. Mila Kunis stars as his girlfriend
who is, like, at least nine leagues above him, and clearly quite
interested in marrying down. Oh, and the animate magical teddy bear?
Yeah, that horror right there, he's Peter Griffin. It's cool too;
Seth McFarland totally acknowledges that he's not that original.
I have to admit something here people,
I was actually expecting this really be maybe a little funnier. Don't
get me wrong, this movie was funny! Or I expecting just a funny movie
that would've been fine, but I wasn't. I was expecting "the
funniest movie of all time". Now I know what you're thinking,
"dude, it's just review on the box seriously. Don't take this
shit so seriously." Well, you know what, fuck you in the mouth.
That's really pretty minor gripe
though. Truth be told I don't really have many genuine gripes This
movie – I mean, yeah, it had some pretty stereotypical RomCom goals
towards the end, but so did The Hangover. This is Hollywood we're
talking about; everything here is formulaic and ultimately just the
same old rehashed crap. We don't release to see something new, that
would be frankly retarded, we see movies because fuck it we want to
be entertained.
Here's the real secret to watching a
movie like Ted. Are you ready for this? Yeah, you're ready for this.
You have to you stoned out of your fucking mind to really get this
movie. The best part is, in my humble opinion, the fact that it's not
that hard to keep up with Ted the animated teddy bear. Oh, did I
mention that? Yeah, so that magic wish fueled teddy bear that should
not be also has a crippling drug problem. Apparently Ted, in his
youth, was quite the celebrity; now that Ted's matured into a
repugnant self-centered Antichrist, he's gone the route of so many
child stars before him. This is around that eventually leads to hard
drugs, but that's okay, because that itself as a gateway to an
illustrious job selling cars. Okay, that is entirely true; Ted starts
work at grocery store but the moral is ultimately the same.
What's weird though is that the movie
itself tries to sneak a bull ship message in there with funny. It is
a terrible job of this mind you, but it's there. I think that's what
the entirety of my review really is. I don't want to spoil this movie
for you, and more importantly I won't spoil it for myself. Ted is
sort of like Harold and Kumar; you'll watch the movie time and time
again but at the end of every screening your not quite sure if you
actually watched it. Maybe that's because you're drunk, maybe it's
because you're stoned, maybe it's because the movie is a steaming,
heaping pile of fly struck horse shit. I can't with any real
certainty say. What I can say is this; I did actually enjoy this
movie. There you go that's my review.
Fuck this, I tried. Maybe it's because
I have to talk so slow, I don't know, but this software that I'm
using a makes it seem like kind of a burdensome process. It's not to
when I really think about it. I've actually been able to talk at my
normal pace and for the most part the system has never keep up with
me. What's weird though is trying to compose out loud. That when I'm
not such a huge fan of, but I think I'll get used to it.
So yeah. I think this will be new to
the blog. I'll be doing all my post by voice from this point forward.
Dictation is just way way way way way way easier, and you know if I
wasn't so inebriated last time I actually watched a movie this might
have been a good review. As it stands I don't think it's bad, but I
guess it could be way way better.
I also feel the need to know that it is
4:09 AM, and I should probably be getting to bed. Unfortunately, Star
Wars the Old Republic is still down for maintenance. This means that
I can either sleep or stay away for the next three hours until it
actually comes back up. I think I'd rather sleep. Yeah, sleep. That
sounds totally hot.
